It’s been two weeks since Tatay passed away.
Every day I feel a little stronger, because I choose to live with the dent in my heart that he left. I miss him so much. I especially miss his presence at home. I feel incomplete whenever I go home because nobody is sitting on the right most portion of the couch. The TV is not turned ON. And no one is checking if my shoes or sandals are already in before midnight.
I thought that moment when he stopped breathing at the hospital was the hardest part. It was the time when I actually felt the strongest emotion of mourning. I cried, I wept, I wept so hard I had to scream and shout or my heart will literally burst. But no, the day of the interment was even harder. I didn’t want to go out of the room, I felt powerless to move. If only I can slow down the time for it was the last day I will see him. Oh, the excruciating pain of acceptance and letting go was so deep. But God’s grace was even deeper to hold me steady. I cannot explain the feeling when we had to walk him from the chapel to the crematorium. It was the superlative of the most painful emotion I had felt for years.
And God was there to comfort. He said in His beatitude that “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted”. Indeed His comfort has come when we started worshipping Him. When the worship song started to play, it was as if I was stripped off of all the concerns and just laid bare my heart unto the Lord. Again, I cried and I wept. With all my heart I cried to the Lord, but this time I have a different reason. Through my brokenness, God gave me the grace to offer a sacrifice of praise, to declare His praise and glory in my time of mourning. His presence filled the place and comforted us, as we viewed Tatay for the last time.
Again, I thought that the following day will be easier. But I was wrong again. My sister woke me up for breakfast. When I went down to the dining area, I found her crying. She missed Tatay. Then my nanay started to cry also. Our home will never be the same again. Each day, I have to learn to embrace the new normal.
I am not sure how long I will miss him. It’s like a forever dent in my heart. I’m happy because I am sure he is in heaven, but how I wish we have him longer, to feel his love and care, to hear his humor and just the security that we have by his mere presence. It’s been a blessing to have a father at home, he’s been a pillar of strength for all of us.
Nanay told me a few days ago that the Lord answered her about why He didn’t allow that they reach 50 years. The Lord said that those celebration are of the world, what they have is a complete marriage for they have attained the perfection of their relationship. They have fulfilled their vows and have proven their love for each other, in sickness and in health, till death did they part.
I don’t know how to end this post, just as I don’t know how to stop missing my father.
Life goes on. His purposes continues. And I must choose to move forward. Lord, more of your grace to carry me through this.