Death Of My Father

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It’s been two weeks since Tatay passed away.

Every day I feel a little stronger, because I choose to live with the dent in my heart that he left. I miss him so much. I especially miss his presence at home. I feel incomplete whenever I go home because nobody is sitting on the right most portion of the couch. The TV is not turned ON. And no one is checking if my shoes or sandals are already in before midnight.

I thought that moment when he stopped breathing at the hospital was the hardest part. It was the time when I actually felt the strongest emotion of mourning. I cried, I wept, I wept so hard I had to scream and shout or my heart will literally burst. But no, the day of the interment was even harder. I didn’t want to go out of the room, I felt powerless to move. If only I can slow down the time for it was the last day I will see him. Oh, the excruciating pain of acceptance and letting go was so deep. But God’s grace was even deeper to hold me steady. I cannot explain the feeling when we had to walk him from the chapel to the crematorium. It was the superlative of the most painful emotion I had felt for years.

And God was there to comfort. He said in His beatitude that “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted”. Indeed His comfort has come when we started worshipping Him. When the worship song started to play, it was as if I was stripped off of all the concerns and just laid bare my heart unto the Lord. Again, I cried and I wept. With all my heart I cried to the Lord, but this time I have a different reason. Through my brokenness, God gave me the grace to offer a sacrifice of praise, to declare His praise and glory in my time of mourning. His presence filled the place and comforted us, as we viewed Tatay for the last time.

Again, I thought that the following day will be easier. But I was wrong again. My sister woke me up for breakfast. When I went down to the dining area, I found her crying. She missed Tatay. Then my nanay started to cry also. Our home will never be the same again. Each day, I have to learn to embrace the new normal.

I am not sure how long I will miss him. It’s like a forever dent in my heart. I’m happy because I am sure he is in heaven, but how I wish we have him longer, to feel his love and care, to hear his humor and just the security that we have by his mere presence. It’s been a blessing to have a father at home, he’s been a pillar of strength for all of us.

Nanay told me a few days ago that the Lord answered her about why He didn’t allow that they reach 50 years. The Lord said that those celebration are of the world, what they have is a complete marriage for they have attained the perfection of their relationship. They have fulfilled their vows and have proven their love for each other, in sickness and in health, till death did they part.

I don’t know how to end this post, just as I don’t know how to stop missing my father.

Life goes on. His purposes continues. And I must choose to move forward. Lord, more of your grace to carry me through this.

Vision

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 Vision. Since the start of the year, the Lord has never stopped teaching me about this topic. A goal. An aim. Vision is something that will consume my heart with passion, something that will drive me to finish strong. It doesn’t just start a spark but it sustains the fire in the heart. It motivates the visionary to endure hardships and trials, trainings and failures in order to realize the vision.

 

Vision also gives direction. It is not just a bubble thought or part of a day dream. It gives specific direction. It serves as a compass to point our ‘NORTH’.

 

Flashbacks

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I woke up early today for Ezra’s recognition day. He received eleven awards! Wow, I was really amazed on what the Lord has worked on his life. And what He will and can do in the coming years. God is just wonderful. 

After the program, the family went to the mall and had lunch at Yakimix. Well, i was not on turbo mode since I have limited my food choices for fasting. I must say, His grace was sufficient for controlling my appetite. God is serious in my fast. 

This partial fast has been helpful to hear from the Lord. And have my heart open on what the Spirit is saying. 

Yesterday, God brought me back to 2008. I accidentally opened  an email, which was my journal assignment to Tita Oss. 

It refreshed my memory of the beautiful times and moments I had when I was starting in the journey to Zion. The passion, the hunger, the intensity were just overflowing in the stories. 

Then today, God brought me to a 2008  blog, “The Beauty Of Waiting“. I wrote there my experience on waiting for God’s open door for a new work. 

Honestly, I can’t believe I was able to write down the experience very clearly. How I received a word at the beginning of the year, encountered open doors, waited and waited some more, until God paved the way for His chosen door, at the end of the year, I got to the company where I am still today.  This encouraged me on what I am going through and waiting these days.

This word. I received. It’s not leaving me, thus I will wait on the Lord. 

He will be faithful to fulfill what He has promised. Yes, even that first covenant He gave 10 years ago. I know He is able to do it, and even surpass all the possibilities I have ever imagined.

2008 was historical. Let’s see if it will be the same for 2015. 

What’s My Message? 

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So I’m back to my dusty old blog site. I realize that I still want to keep this quiet space, amidst all the other social apps (that I have currently deleted and/or inactivated).

I still like writing and sharing my thoughts and stories through blog. It’s vintage and classy. :) 

So in other news, it’s been a week now since I went hiatus on Facebook. I felt the need to somehow regulate the information that I am taking in and also, the messages I am sending out. 

There’s just too many information in social media that I don’t need, spiritually speaking. If I would use Philippians 4:8 – “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” as my filter, then I would probably have less than 10 news on my feeds.

On the other hand, I am also checking myself, on what message I am sending to the brethren,whenever I post. Does it pass Philippians 4:8? Do I have the right motive? Is God glorified? 

My discipler once told me that a powerful message is not in eloquence of words or speech, but it is the life of the person that declares the message. 

How we live, move and have our being are powerful messages that people read from us. 

In social media, every like, every share, every comment is a brush stroke in my personal canvass, my life’s message. 

Thus, I need to step back and ponder. 

What message do I want to convey? 

(And the answer to that question, will probably on the next post.)  :) 

Disconnected

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This morning my phone decided to take a sick leave.

After several trial of turning it ON, I gave up and accepted that I do not have a phone for today, thus disconnected from my outlook, sms, viber and all the other applications to connect with people.

It was a different morning. No mails, no notifications. I went straight to my prayer closet and spent a longer time with the Lord. Thrilled with the Lord’s sweet fellowship. Lately, I’m getting more comfortable in waiting quietly in His presence. After reading His word, I’m spending a little more time in meditating and trying to have more connection with God.

Actually, before my phone shut off this morning, I have decided to delete my social apps. There’s just this deeper longing for consecration so I could hear more from the Lord. It’s been very helpful. I am not distracted from notifications and posts from different people. I get to breathe and choose the thoughts that enters my mind. There’s more time and room for His words to rest and settle in my being.

So going back to my phone, there was a real feeling of being disconnected from my family and friends. I felt incomplete for the day, as if I left a body part in the house.

But there was also perfect peace in my heart, and surrender to yield to that experience of being disconnected. I tried to allow my spirit to connect with God and ask Him what He wanted to teach me on this experience.

It was as if God was telling me that that should be my feeling (and even more) whenever I don’t go to my prayer closet and/or connect with Him. I should feel disoriented and incomplete.

I should keep and maintain my connected with Him. I can lose all my connections, except with Him.

Tomorrow, I will  bring my phone to the service center and hope that it gets well. While I also bring my heart and devotion to a commitment to have a regular communion with God.:)

Fullness Of Time

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Making known to us the mystery (secret) of His will (of His plan, of His purpose). [And it is this:] In accordance with His good pleasure (His merciful intention) which He had previously purposed and set forth in Him, [He planned] for the maturity of the times and the climax of the ages to unify all things and head them up and consummate them in Christ, [both] things in heaven and things on the earth. (‭Ephesians‬ ‭1‬:‭9-10‬ AMP)

Received this Word in the middle of training. Gave me a big smile.:)

While I’m Waiting

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I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve you while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

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This morning, while pondering the things that are happening and unfolding, I realized that 2014 is slowly coming to a close. It’s been a year of surprises. New things happened which I did not expect.

Looking at 2015 from a distance, I’d say, I am all the more “clueless”, in a good way, in what’s in store for next year.

I have 100% pure anticipation and expectation from the Lord. Things are steady and moving in all areas of my life, so if something will end or start or move, it will be coming from the Lord.

And so the Lord reminded me of this song tonight, While I’m Waiting.

Indeed, I’m waiting for the Lord.

Lord, help me to keep my lamps full, and let my heart submit to Your preparations.