S o u g h t *A f t e r

The Lord spoke to me during our dance practice last week.

I came from office, south of manila and headed to our church in Quezon City. I felt a little drained coming from the day’s work in the lab and I needed to pull a little more energy for the practice.

We started the practice with prayer. It was a heartfelt prayer of asking the Lord to come in our practice…not only to visit us but to dwell, us as His habitation. I cried during the prayer, for I was really longing for the presence of the Lord to come.

Then during practice, I felt that my mind wasn’t coordinating with my hands and feet. I was committing a lot of mistakes and I was starting to be frustrated… because dance is the most special thing in me that I always wanted to offer to God and during our practice…I felt that my dance wasn’t special that is worth offering.

And then I told God, “Lord, I have nothing special to offer you…”

It wasn’t really a cry of self-pity. It was more of seeing the infinite beauty of God and realizing how unworthy I was and that I really have nothing special that He deserves.

Then I heard in my heart these words,

“You think that there’s nothing special with you, but I HAVE MADE YOU SPECIAL

because I chose you to be Mine.”

Felt like bursting in tears during the practice. It was indeed God who has made me special. For Him, For His glory. Nothing about me is special, ordinary, bland, no spectacular talent, but the light of His glory shining forth in my life has made it special. Very Special.

Jesus, made me special. Extra-Very-Special.

“But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name: you are mine.”

Isaiah 43:1

“The Lord spoke to me like a firm grasp of the hand.”

Isaiah 8:11, rotherham

Blessed be the Lord our God, who does–if we speak the honest truth–cause His word to come to us in just this way: like a strong hand reaching out for us to take hold of firmly, and to take hold of us.

Sometimes this firm grasp comes as He opens our understanding to a single word. His hands has grasped me, in recent days, as my understanding opens up to the word trust.

Trust, I have learned means: to lean on, to place the weight of my confidence upon (Young’s Analytical Concordance) And after this discovery I have found many verses in the psalm that provide great comfort when translated in this way. For instance, “I have trusted [ leaned on, placed confidence in] your loving kindness. Psalm 13:5

So I may say, that the Loving kindness that has loved me with an everlasting love, which forgives and cleanses and will never tire of me-that loving kindness, Lord, I lean on.

by Amy Carmichael

(You are My Hidiing Place (Rekindling the Inner Fire))

I’m not really a “rainbow” person. My eyes are not good in catching rainbows on afternoons and after rains. But this week, God opened my eyes to the magnificent beauty of rainbow.

No I haven’t seen a real rainbow but I had a dream last monday, I was on looking towards the shore, watching the crashing waves. I was counting the waves, listening to the noise they made as they crash to the shore. The water was loud, and yet I was quiet.

Then suddenly, a rainbow flashed inf front of me with bright and sharp colors (just like in the picture). It wasn’t like the usual rainbow that has faint colors. The one I saw was very vivid, almost like a painting. Then I ran and fetch my friend who loves rainbows.

The dream made me think (and meditate) about rainbows.

Rainbow. It is the seal of God’s covenant to Noah. Like a signature to His promise. God is reminding me that all His promises to me are YES and AMEN, and I have Jesus as my guarantor for the promise. And though it tarries, I will wait for it. *hush, hush heart*

Rainbow. In, Revelation 3:4, it is written, “And He who was sitting was like a jasper stone and a sardius in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the throne, like an emerald in appearance.” And according to my usong bible, the rainbow which look like an emerald, pertains to the mercy of the Lord. Wow. The mercy of God, His goodness to take us out of our misery because of our disobedience. Grabe. May karapatan ka pa bang mag-reklamo kung ganyan kabuti ang Panginoon?!

Rainbow. Colors. Different colors of grace. Different colors of God’s goodness to His people. Different colors of blessings and trials. All colors are needed for the grand canvas.

Oh.. how beautiful is the heart of my Jesus.

“I have come to give myself up,’ he said.

“It is well,’ said Mother Kirk “You have come a long way round to reach this place, whither I could have carried you in a few moments. But it is very well.’

“What must I do?” said John.

“You must take off your rags, ” said she, “as your friend has done already, and then you must dive into this water.”

“Alas,” said he, “I have never learned to dive”

“There is nothing to learn” said she. “The art of diving is not to do anything new but simply to cease doing something. You have only to let yourself go.“

-CS LEWIS

(The Business of Heaven)

YOU SEE NO SIGN by Amy Camrmichael

You see no sign,you hear no voice
And yet, I say to you, Rejoice,
Your Captain Christ is in command
And the dawn cometh, it is near at hand.

You do not see the legions crowd,
For you no trumpet bloweth loud,
Unseen the shining Hosts of Light,
March forth to shatter the long glooms of night.

But none the less they came, they came,
no need is there for beat of drum;
The promise soundeth strong and clear
behold He cometh, let your hearts take cheer.

Spent one rainy monday under the sea with nanay and my nephew. ♥

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(I found this in my drafts dated march 11…I guess it’s time to finish this post.)

I think I’m starting to have separation anxiety with ate amboinks.

Almost exactly a year ago, when I was also having separation anxiety with charmpot because she was leaving for London. The experience was really difficult. (And that is really an understatement.)

And now, another separation anxiety on the road.

Ate ambs is not yet leaving, yep..NOT YET. Although there’s a door somewhere in the “hallway” waiting to be opened. That makes her super busy. She’s been spending hours in the lab to finish her thesis and deadlines for her research to catch the schedule.

And I’m not used to it. huhu.I’m really not used to it.

Ever since the Lord has put us together in Faith, we’ve always been together. As in close, tight! We attended fellowships, meetings, cell groups and services…TOGETHER. She has always been my ‘automatic’ seat mate sa church.

We texted all day, sometimes I’d call her in the middle of the day just to tell her some non-sensible things…then we’d laugh about it then we’ll go back to work.

She’s also my automatic dead-time classic coffee mate. We can spend hours in coffee shops, ice cream parlors or at our favorite para-maiba-naman-lunch-tambayan-chowking just talking, updating and comparing quiet times. Hehe

But lately, some things are starting to change. She’s really busy with her work and I’m busy with my stuffs that we could hardly exchange text messages! And I haven’t called her this week because I also have a lot in my hands.

But the climax of this separation anxiety was last Sunday. After the 11 am service. My automatic seatmate didn’t attend the service because she was still sleeping after her overnight work in lab. And I went in the lobby alone and looked for anyone I could invite for lunch. I texted my cgmates but their were not replying. So I just went to chowking, alone. Muntik na akong maiyak. Hindi ako sanay. Pero kailangan ko ng sanayin sarili ko. Kailangan ko na naman sanayin sarili ko.

***

Today is april 11, almost one month after I drafted this post. And the separation anxiety is even more intensified. The possibility of her leaving for Boston is becoming more and more real.

Last night, we were having dinner with our cgmates. Ate amboinks updated us on her “Boston Journey” and they started teasing me about my attachment to ate ambs. Haha. Muntik na akong maiyak. Napigilan ko lang. Dyahe eh. hehe

Ang hirap kaya. Hello.

Well, it seems obvious that God is slowly (and silently) stripping away all my attachments. My kuya and ate haze went to US in 2006, Lovelle went to australia, Hannah went to canada, charmpot went to London in 2007 then ate ambs will probably fly to US next month. Huhu.

They’re all leaving and flying away. Mahirap kasi mag-adjust pag nasanay ka ng kasama at kausap mo palagi yung isang tao. then suddenly, kailangan i-schedule ang usap? Hellow. (di ba charm?)

Parang lahat umaalis. Haay.

Seems like baby eagle must learn to fly alone and wait till He’ll send another eagle to fly with her.

(Tapos darating ang araw mag-kakaroon ng grand eagle reunion. hehe

“If you had known . . . .” God’s words here cut directly to the heart, with the tears of Jesus behind them. These words imply responsibility for our own faults. God holds us accountable for what we refuse to see or are unable to see because of our sin. And “now they are hidden from your eyes” because you have never completely yielded your nature to Him. Oh, the deep, unending sadness for what might have been! God never again opens the doors that have been closed. He opens other doors, but He reminds us that there are doors which we have shut-doors which had no need to be shut. Never be afraid when God brings back your past. Let your memory have its way with you. It is a minister of God bringing its rebuke and sorrow to you. God will turn what might have been into a wonderful lesson of growth for the future.

Utmost for His Highest

Grabe, one solid experience of blast from the past! Well. I saw this person, which I left somewhere, sometime, five years ago. And from some divinely orchestrated event, we met again. Unplanned, surprising..totally nakaka-heart attack.

There were lots of questions, apologies and explanations that were going through the air in between the conversations and laughters. But those invisible words will forever be invisible. It will be left unspoken, unsaid and kept in the silent past.

Weird. Totally weird. I mean, to see that person again, in the same setting, yet so much different setting. Ay ang gulo ko. hehe. Basta ganun. Funny. Funny talaga.

But it happened for a reason. Not to be in bondage and disappointment (again) but to be totally released from the past to the wonderful future waiting ahead. *yey*

All by God’s grace.

This week seemed to be a challenging week for me. I feel the friction between my flesh and my spirit.It’s really humbling when the Lord exposes the true condition of your heart. And you really just have to submit and humbly accept the Lord’s discipline and purification. I really praise the Lord for His grace, His abundant, amazing grace.

So here’s my Thursday praise song for Jesus. =)

When I Think About The Lord
by James Huey

When I think about the Lord
How He saved me, How He raised me
How He filled me with the Holy Ghost
How He healed me to the uttermost

When I think about the Lord
How He picked me up and turned me around
How He placed my feet on solid ground

It makes me wanna shout “Hallelujah!
Thank you, Jesus!
Lord, You’re worthy of all the glory,
all the honor, all the praise!”
It makes me wanna shout “Hallelujah!
Thank you, Jesus!
Lord, You’re worthy of all the glory,
all the honor, all the praise!”

This morning, I met an old man walking on the side of SM Bicutan.

He was walking slowly on the downhill part of the road. He was wearing a brown cap, a colorful polo shirt, a blue walking shorts and black leather shoes with socks. He looked at me and asked me if I can give him five pesos because he only had two pesos to ride the tricycle.

Well, I knew that he wasn’t making a story because the tricycle fare is seven pesos and he showed me his last remaining silver coins.

So I smiled at him, took out my wallet and handed him twenty pesos. He smiled back, took the bill and gave me a loud and happy, “God bless you!”

I felt the words embraced my whole being.

I was itching to look back to see if he’ll disappear or something.  Because I felt that I just met an angel. I mean, the words were so real and alive. (At ang sosi di ba? english speaking si lolo)  I knew that his blessing was a real blessing.

Almost felt like receiving an inheritance!

What a wonderful stranger to bless me.

Anyway, another wonderful thing happened this morning.

I went to visit my old blog and I saw a tag from two wonderful strangers. The message from two missionaries was really a blessing.  It lifted my spirit and felt like I was fanned with flaming spirits for missions.

Blessing is falling, is falling all over me…